Suicidal Thoughts
Mental illness and Suicide
Many mental illness can lead to depression and even suicidal thoughts. My combination of GAD, depression and PMDD, mixed with other things that were going wrong in my life led me to this point several times.
If you have never experienced having relentless, never - ending suicidal thoughts, then it may be difficult to understand how someone can want to take their own life away. Imagine the worst day of your life... now imagine it happening again and again day after day after day. That’s what it can feel like - a endless cycle of pain that refuses to go away no matter what you do until it gets to the point that you simply cannot take anymore and that death is preferable to what life has become. Death almost becomes like a escape - a way to end all the pain, and often many people turn to suicide because they feel like they have exhausted all their other options and ultimately death is is the only way left.
According to the mental health charity MIND statistics have found that on average more than 4,300 people die by suicide in England and Wales each year. Suicide rates are higher for men than women of all age groups, and currently men are almost three times more likely than women to die by suicide.
This may possibly be due to men finding it harder to be open about their mental illness, fearing that it is not masculine and that they may be seen as weak.This then can mean that they do not access the support that they so need. Mental illness increases the likelihood of suicide and that is why it is so important to raise awareness of the importance of mental health
If you have never experienced having relentless, never - ending suicidal thoughts, then it may be difficult to understand how someone can want to take their own life away. Imagine the worst day of your life... now imagine it happening again and again day after day after day. That’s what it can feel like - a endless cycle of pain that refuses to go away no matter what you do until it gets to the point that you simply cannot take anymore and that death is preferable to what life has become. Death almost becomes like a escape - a way to end all the pain, and often many people turn to suicide because they feel like they have exhausted all their other options and ultimately death is is the only way left.
According to the mental health charity MIND statistics have found that on average more than 4,300 people die by suicide in England and Wales each year. Suicide rates are higher for men than women of all age groups, and currently men are almost three times more likely than women to die by suicide.
This may possibly be due to men finding it harder to be open about their mental illness, fearing that it is not masculine and that they may be seen as weak.This then can mean that they do not access the support that they so need. Mental illness increases the likelihood of suicide and that is why it is so important to raise awareness of the importance of mental health
My Story...
In the deepest depths of my depression, I didn’t want to live anymore. I could see no future for myself, except just more pain and suffering. I truly believed there was nothing left to live for. That I could never feel truly happy again. I used to pray each and every night that God would take my life away and spare me from another day. I used to wake up disappointed every morning when I realised I was still very much alive and still very much suffering.
I contemplated taking my own life countless times... planning in detail how I could do it... 'what would be the least painful way?' What would be quickest?' ' 'Which one wouldn’t traumatise my loved ones too much?' I kept these thoughts to myself until it got so bad that I shared my plans with my closest friends and family. I was terrified that they would get me sectioned and I would end upin a mental health unit somewhere... but what scared me more was the thoughtof not being able to say goodbye to my loved ones, to tell how much I loved them and to try and get them to somehow understand why I was going to do what I was going to do.
My loved ones were shocked to the core when I admitted my suicidal thoughts to them and were terrified to leave my side lest I did anything 'silly.' Some became angry and accused me of being selfish. I tried to explain that it wasn’t that, I didn’t want to cause anyone any pain - I just wanted to somehow end the suffering i felt and escape the living nightmare my life had become. But they didn’t understand...they couldn’t feel what I felt inside everyday. I wished there was some way I could show people what was really going on inside... I wished that even for just one day they could see inside my head or walk in my shoes so tha tthey could understand what I was going through. Trying to explain with words did not do justice to describe the agony and torture I felt every second of every day.
I contemplated taking my own life countless times... planning in detail how I could do it... 'what would be the least painful way?' What would be quickest?' ' 'Which one wouldn’t traumatise my loved ones too much?' I kept these thoughts to myself until it got so bad that I shared my plans with my closest friends and family. I was terrified that they would get me sectioned and I would end upin a mental health unit somewhere... but what scared me more was the thoughtof not being able to say goodbye to my loved ones, to tell how much I loved them and to try and get them to somehow understand why I was going to do what I was going to do.
My loved ones were shocked to the core when I admitted my suicidal thoughts to them and were terrified to leave my side lest I did anything 'silly.' Some became angry and accused me of being selfish. I tried to explain that it wasn’t that, I didn’t want to cause anyone any pain - I just wanted to somehow end the suffering i felt and escape the living nightmare my life had become. But they didn’t understand...they couldn’t feel what I felt inside everyday. I wished there was some way I could show people what was really going on inside... I wished that even for just one day they could see inside my head or walk in my shoes so tha tthey could understand what I was going through. Trying to explain with words did not do justice to describe the agony and torture I felt every second of every day.
Please Let Me Go...
Every morning when I wake up, I feel disappointed inside…
Because I had secretly wished, that in the night – I had died
The ugly feelings swarm over me as I drag myself out of bed
The battle begins once again with the demons in my head
But I put on a brave face and go about my day
Smiling on the outside, whilst inside – I’m anything but okay
The constant unyielding pain is a heavy burden to bear
No matter what I try or do, it follows me everywhere
Exhausted by the never ending struggle, to find peace within
It feels like I’m fighting a battle, that I will never win
The unrest and turmoil inside, frustratingly refuses to go away
Despite how much I try or do, it clings on to me day after day
It’s like my life has lost all meaning; I’ve become a lost soul
With no direction, no strength, no future or goal
I drag myself through the motions, to get me through the day
I feel like I’m merely ‘existing’ and wasting my life away
And try as I might, to drag myself out of the pit of despair
I just sink deeper and lower in to my living nightmare
And as night finally falls…so do the flood of tears
I desperately pray to God and hope that he hears…
Lying in my bed, I beg God to take my life away
I ask him to spare me from having to endure another day
I plead and beg, with all my will and might
That he will finally free me from my pain tonight
I’m broken inside and there is no more that I can take
I close my eyes, and as I fall asleep, I dream I never wake
Because I had secretly wished, that in the night – I had died
The ugly feelings swarm over me as I drag myself out of bed
The battle begins once again with the demons in my head
But I put on a brave face and go about my day
Smiling on the outside, whilst inside – I’m anything but okay
The constant unyielding pain is a heavy burden to bear
No matter what I try or do, it follows me everywhere
Exhausted by the never ending struggle, to find peace within
It feels like I’m fighting a battle, that I will never win
The unrest and turmoil inside, frustratingly refuses to go away
Despite how much I try or do, it clings on to me day after day
It’s like my life has lost all meaning; I’ve become a lost soul
With no direction, no strength, no future or goal
I drag myself through the motions, to get me through the day
I feel like I’m merely ‘existing’ and wasting my life away
And try as I might, to drag myself out of the pit of despair
I just sink deeper and lower in to my living nightmare
And as night finally falls…so do the flood of tears
I desperately pray to God and hope that he hears…
Lying in my bed, I beg God to take my life away
I ask him to spare me from having to endure another day
I plead and beg, with all my will and might
That he will finally free me from my pain tonight
I’m broken inside and there is no more that I can take
I close my eyes, and as I fall asleep, I dream I never wake
I can't take any more...
Although mental illnesses can be seen as a insignificant condition in comparison to something life threatening like cancer or aids, mental illnesses can also be life threatening - but in a different way. Many people suffering from mental illness end up taking their own lives as they feel the suffering they are going through becomes too much to bear. Can you imagine a pain so great that you would rather die than have to live to suffer another day? Can you imagine waking up each day wishing that you were dead, just so that the all pain would be gone? That’s what it can feel like for someone who is struggling with a mental illness and suicidal thoughts.
I personally struggled with suicidal thoughts throughout my battle with mental illness, and at the depths of my depair, there were many times when I came close to losing the fight. But, I'm so glad that I didnt take 'the step of no return' as now although my life isnt perfect and I still struggle with mental illness - I have experienced so many wonderful things that I would have never experienced if I had given up on life. I understand how it feels to go to sleep every night and wish to never wake up again... I know what its like to feel there is no hope and no other way out - but my message to you is dont despair and dont give up. There is always hope, even if it may may feel like there is none. I never thought I would be here writing this website today. I would never have dreamed that I would be trying to help others - when at many times in my life, I couldnt even help myself!
Even though things can still be hard, I try and turn the negatives in my life into positives. Instead of seeing my mental illness as a weakness, I'm learning to turn it into a strength.
Someone once said to me - "Life is like a game of cards, we don’t know what hand we are going to be dealt, but whatever we are given, we can always make the best of what we have." You don’t have to have the best cards to win, it’s how you use what you have, that can make you the winner or a loser. That’s how I see my life. I’ve not been dealt the best hand of cards, but I’m choosing to play them as well as I can, and still come out victorious. My mental illnesses are definitely not ‘cards’ I would have wanted or chosen, but they are what I have been given and instead of feeling sorry for myself or feeling bitter or cheated, I can choose to use them as my strongest ‘cards’ instead of my weakest. Through my weaknesses, I can understand and help other sufferers in a way that people who have not experienced mental illness cannot. In this way - ironically my weakness becomes my strength!
I personally struggled with suicidal thoughts throughout my battle with mental illness, and at the depths of my depair, there were many times when I came close to losing the fight. But, I'm so glad that I didnt take 'the step of no return' as now although my life isnt perfect and I still struggle with mental illness - I have experienced so many wonderful things that I would have never experienced if I had given up on life. I understand how it feels to go to sleep every night and wish to never wake up again... I know what its like to feel there is no hope and no other way out - but my message to you is dont despair and dont give up. There is always hope, even if it may may feel like there is none. I never thought I would be here writing this website today. I would never have dreamed that I would be trying to help others - when at many times in my life, I couldnt even help myself!
Even though things can still be hard, I try and turn the negatives in my life into positives. Instead of seeing my mental illness as a weakness, I'm learning to turn it into a strength.
Someone once said to me - "Life is like a game of cards, we don’t know what hand we are going to be dealt, but whatever we are given, we can always make the best of what we have." You don’t have to have the best cards to win, it’s how you use what you have, that can make you the winner or a loser. That’s how I see my life. I’ve not been dealt the best hand of cards, but I’m choosing to play them as well as I can, and still come out victorious. My mental illnesses are definitely not ‘cards’ I would have wanted or chosen, but they are what I have been given and instead of feeling sorry for myself or feeling bitter or cheated, I can choose to use them as my strongest ‘cards’ instead of my weakest. Through my weaknesses, I can understand and help other sufferers in a way that people who have not experienced mental illness cannot. In this way - ironically my weakness becomes my strength!
From Me to You...
There have been several times when I have come so close to not being around any longer - let alone writing this now. Looking back... I dread to think what might have been if I had acted on my desperation to take my own life. Below I would like to share with you what helped me through ... and I hope it might just help you too...
1. You are not a Burden!
Dont listen to the voice in your head that keeps tellng you that you are just a burden to everyone around you...it not true! I know it can feel that way, and you may feel terribly guilty that you’re condition is holding others back... but believe me, that is not how they feel about you! Imagine one of your loved ones being inflicted with a horrible condition... would you see them as a burden? No! Of course not! You would still love them dearly and want to do everything in your power to help them. That’s how your loved ones feel about you. You may think that they are better off without you, but the truth is, if you left them behind by taking your own life, you will be giving them a even bigger burden to bear - the grief of losing someone precious to them and the guilt that they couldn’t do more to help
Its Not For the Best...
You may think that everyone would be better off without you around...but again its not true! Just think of all your loved ones... as hard and painful life is, imagine the pain that your family and friends will feel if you were no longer with them. Its tempting to think that that 'they will get over it' or 'its for the best' but in reality, a death of a loved one is something you never 'get over' and losing someone through suicide can make the death even more incredibly difficult to cope with.
I Did It For You...
Suicidal thoughts can make you focus on yourself, and lose perspective of what is around you...so take a step back and think about what would happen to your loved ones if you were no longer there for them? Who would be there to wipe away the tears they may cry... who would be there to give a helping hand when they are in trouble... who would be there to be a listening ear when they need someone to share their problems with?
If you cant bear this life for yourself, then live it for the people you love. Imagine you took your life away... you will never ever get the chance to be there for them again if they ever needed you. How heart breaking would that be to watch your loved ones suffer, but not be able to do anything to help? That’s what would happen if you leave them behind...their lives would still go on, hard times will still come...but before when they could turn to you for help... who could they turn to if you were gone? Sure, there may be other people, but no one can replace you. That thought helped me so much, It made me realise that even if I couldn’t go on for myself...I had to go on for the people I loved and cared about. They meant too much to me, to risk anything happening to them without me being there to help them through whatever came their way.
If you cant bear this life for yourself, then live it for the people you love. Imagine you took your life away... you will never ever get the chance to be there for them again if they ever needed you. How heart breaking would that be to watch your loved ones suffer, but not be able to do anything to help? That’s what would happen if you leave them behind...their lives would still go on, hard times will still come...but before when they could turn to you for help... who could they turn to if you were gone? Sure, there may be other people, but no one can replace you. That thought helped me so much, It made me realise that even if I couldn’t go on for myself...I had to go on for the people I loved and cared about. They meant too much to me, to risk anything happening to them without me being there to help them through whatever came their way.
Where Are You Going?
Life and death. No one really knows for certain what happens after you die. Some believe in the afterlife, some in reincarnation, some in nothing. It can be a frightening thought not knowing where you are going. How do you know what’s waiting for you after death isn’t even worse than life now? I know when you have reached the point of feeling suicidal, the thought of anything but your own life is preferable. Its easy to think that what lies ahead cant be as bad s what you are going through now.
But take a moment to just imagine...what if it is worse? People like to think of the next life as a peaceful place ...a escape... a chance to be free. But what if it really isn’t? What if it a eternity of suffering and pain far worse than you can imagine? what then? It’ll be too late to turn back and say 'give me back my old life - it aint half as bad as this! NO! There are no second chances.
Death is final. Do you really want to take that risk of a even worse life than this one? No thank you! I know we will all die one day, but there is no point going to somewhere we don’t know is going to be good, bad or worse earlier than we have to. We may as well enjoy the life right now and make the very best we can with what we have. What ever is waiting for us... can wait!
But take a moment to just imagine...what if it is worse? People like to think of the next life as a peaceful place ...a escape... a chance to be free. But what if it really isn’t? What if it a eternity of suffering and pain far worse than you can imagine? what then? It’ll be too late to turn back and say 'give me back my old life - it aint half as bad as this! NO! There are no second chances.
Death is final. Do you really want to take that risk of a even worse life than this one? No thank you! I know we will all die one day, but there is no point going to somewhere we don’t know is going to be good, bad or worse earlier than we have to. We may as well enjoy the life right now and make the very best we can with what we have. What ever is waiting for us... can wait!
Its Not The End Just Yet...
Following on from the point above, if you are religious or believe in God, then do you really think he will be pleased that you decided to take away and kill the life that he so preciously gave you? God has a plan for us all and we each have a special and unique purpose in his eyes. Live the life that God has given to you and watch his plan unfold! Right now may feel like a horrible chapter that you would rather skip... or it may already feel like the last page of the book for you... but God knows what is ahead and we need to trust him! Like a author, he knows what ending he has in store for us, so don’t rush ahead and prematurely end what could be a magnificent ending!
Have We Met Before?
So another thing you may want to consider is this. If you say you actually make it to the grand old age of 100 (amazingly quite a few people do!) then whatever age you are now, there must be quite a huge chunk of your life potentially left. Now imagine when you were really young. Say go back 10 years or so. I bet most of the people and things that you love and treasure now so dearly, hadn’t even existed or happened yet. Brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces and cousins who weren’t born yet, friends you hadnt made yet... are all people who you now adore to bits today.
Now cast your mind 10 years or so to the future... imagine all the people you haven’t met yet... that could still change your life. The fiends you still haven’t yet met, your future husband or wife, perhaps your future children... even grandchildren, the possibilities are endless, but how will you know if you are not around?
Now cast your mind 10 years or so to the future... imagine all the people you haven’t met yet... that could still change your life. The fiends you still haven’t yet met, your future husband or wife, perhaps your future children... even grandchildren, the possibilities are endless, but how will you know if you are not around?
It could be worse...
Okay so you may have got to the point where your'e thinking life could not get any worse and so you may as well end it all now, but trust me - things can always be worse! Not convinced? So say you attempt to take your own life, but what if something went wrong and then you were left in a even worse situation than what you started with? Nothing is 100% fool proof and so if even a small thing goes wrong then you could end up physically or mentally disabled on top of feeling the way you already do! People can end up with organ failure/damage, missing limbs, paralysed and worse due to failed suicide attempts. Now do you really want to risk feeling worse than you already do? (I don’t want to say i told you so - but did. things can always be worse!!!)
Don't Be Alone
If you feel like the temptation to end it all is too much and you are afraid you will do something you may regret, get a friend or someone you trust to stay with you. If you find yourself at this point, you can be very vulnerable and not thinking clearly as you find yourself caught up in sheer desperation and the urge to get end all the pain you feel. Having a friend by your side can be invaluable as they can keep a clear mind and help you, until you can clam down enough to think more clearly
So My Point Is....
Mental illness and depression can make you feel like there is nothing good left in life and that there is no hope ahead. Don’t let this illness blind you from the beauty and hope that still lies ahead! Mental illnesses has always existed and will always be around. Even people back in biblical times like Job suffered from depression and felt suicidal! (read book of Job in the bible, you I’ll be amazed at how similar his feelings are!)
People today are suffering from all sorts of mental illnesses and more likely than not people in the future cannot escape from this either. (Unless some amazing miracle cure is invented - fingers crossed hey?) But my point is... miracle cure or not, mental illness have always been around and will probably always be around - but you will not.
You only have one life (potentially 100 years!) so make the most of it and look forward to what is to come!!! Remember although life may not be fantastic right now (in fact its probably pretty far from that) everything passes.
You will not always feel this way. Trust me - I know. I’ve been there and sometimes I still end up there again... but there is still so much to live for and one day may be you will be writing this and giving the hope (you never thought you would feel again) - to someone else...
People today are suffering from all sorts of mental illnesses and more likely than not people in the future cannot escape from this either. (Unless some amazing miracle cure is invented - fingers crossed hey?) But my point is... miracle cure or not, mental illness have always been around and will probably always be around - but you will not.
You only have one life (potentially 100 years!) so make the most of it and look forward to what is to come!!! Remember although life may not be fantastic right now (in fact its probably pretty far from that) everything passes.
You will not always feel this way. Trust me - I know. I’ve been there and sometimes I still end up there again... but there is still so much to live for and one day may be you will be writing this and giving the hope (you never thought you would feel again) - to someone else...
Advice For Loved ones
Trust
If you have been fortunate enough never to have experienced mental illness, deep depression or relentless suicidal thoughts, then it can be hard to understand why your loved one would want to hurt you by taking their life away. Believe me - the last thing they want to do is hurt you! Its because they are hurting so much themselves that they feel like they can no longer go on. They may feel like they are a burden to you and dragging you down... that you will be better off without them. If you cannot understand them - just trust them. They are trying their best to express to you what they are feeling inside and often words are not enough to fully describe the mental torture that they are enduring everyday. Appreciate it is hard for them to talk about how they feel, and encourage them to be open. The more aware you are of how they are feeling - the better you can help them. Sometines just being a shoulder to cry on or a ear to listen can mean the world
You Are Not Useless
Often you may feel like you are useless and that you cannot help your loved one no matter how much you try. You may find yourself feeling guilty that you cannot seem to do more for them and you may feel that you have let them down because they are suicidal and you cannot help them see differently. But don’t blame yourself or beat yourself up about it. It is not your fault that your loved one is suffering, just as it wouldn’t be your fault if they had kidney failure, heart disease or any other painful condition.
Mental illness is a illness like any other and just because it is in the mind, that does not make it any less real than any physical disease. Mental illness can be more serious than many physical illness as the statistics show that it plays a significant role in the high rates of suicide on the UK. The best you can do is be there as much as you can for your loved one. It may feel like you cannot do much, but the small things make huge difference... a hug, a encouraging word, a kind gesture...the things you do mean more that you realise! Without the love and care my loved ones showed me, I don't think I would be here writing this today.
Mental illness is a illness like any other and just because it is in the mind, that does not make it any less real than any physical disease. Mental illness can be more serious than many physical illness as the statistics show that it plays a significant role in the high rates of suicide on the UK. The best you can do is be there as much as you can for your loved one. It may feel like you cannot do much, but the small things make huge difference... a hug, a encouraging word, a kind gesture...the things you do mean more that you realise! Without the love and care my loved ones showed me, I don't think I would be here writing this today.
Hard Love
Sometimes the best way to love someone is the hardest way. Your loved one may not want to get help and they may even be in denial about their illness. If they are not willing to get the help they need then you can bring it to them. Encourage them that they need help, get them to see their doctor, see a counsellor, join a support group, call a help line... anything!
If worse comes to worse and you feel worried that your loved one is becoming a danger to themselves or even others then it may be time to take practical action. See a doctor on their behalf or another health professional. If necessary they can detain your loved one under section 2 of the mental health act and take them to a mental unit for their own safety and that of others. There they can get the help they need to recover. You may be afraid that your loved one will resent you for doing this, but remember it is because you love them and you want what is best for them that you are doing what you have to do. One day they will thank you.
If worse comes to worse and you feel worried that your loved one is becoming a danger to themselves or even others then it may be time to take practical action. See a doctor on their behalf or another health professional. If necessary they can detain your loved one under section 2 of the mental health act and take them to a mental unit for their own safety and that of others. There they can get the help they need to recover. You may be afraid that your loved one will resent you for doing this, but remember it is because you love them and you want what is best for them that you are doing what you have to do. One day they will thank you.
Possible Warning Signs
- An unusual preoccupation with death or dying
- Expressing strong feelings of hopelessness or being trapped
- Acting recklessly, (e.g not looking before crossing the road)
- Getting affairs in order (giving away prized possessions, tying up loose ends)
- Saying things like “ I’m a burden” “everyone would be better off without me”
- Calling or visiting people to say goodbye
- Talking about killing or harming one’s self
If you think a friend or friend member might be considering suicide, talk to him or her about your concerns. People may feel uncomfortable about the topic but it is one of the best things you can do for someone who is thinking about suicide. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a person’s life, so speak up if you're concerned and seek professional help immediately!